"Farmingdale The Real LI: JD's Return Home"
On Wednesday afternoon, I returned to Chambersburg, Pennsylvania an alcoholic. Well, not entirely, but sure enough I drank myself into a stupor during my short tenure in Farmingdale, New York. I made up with some people, ate a lot of food, drank a lot of beer, and uh...played a lot of Table Tennis on X-Box 360. One thing I did not do was write, I couldn't get into it. I talked to a lot of people on the computer late at night, but it wasn't for long, because I was usually wasted when this happened, and I'd pass out watching back-logged episodes of The Sopranos.
I'm going to go into a basis of what actually happened while I was on Long Island.
Friday May 26th 2006 - 6:30 PM.
Me and my father arrived on Long Island late friday evening to find the grass in front of my house about four feet tall, because my realitor (Larry Theodore is a fuckface asshole) didn't tell anyone in my house (in Pennsylvania, it's a short phone call away) that the front yard made it look like a half-way house for stoners and drunks. So, upon arrival we immediately decided to start mowing and stop talking. One front lawn done and half a backyard done later, and I was on my way to McDonalds to pick up food.
8:30 PM.
McDonalds on PA suck, but they're quicker than Long Island, but Long Island McDonalds have more stuff like (4-Piece Nuggets for a Dollar). In McDonalds I look like a scruffy asshole, dirty, and sweaty, and pissed the fuck off at how long of a wait this is. Finally I get my food, and storm out of McDonalds.
9:30 PM.
I arrive back to the F'Dale House, and I chow down, because I hadn't eaten all day aside from some potato chips (that were completed on Tuesday May 30th). My Dad was weeding the front garden, which is something that is not my forte, so I eat and eat until my food is gone. My Dad comes inside eats, and he takes a seat in one the chairs in the empty house, and I take the other, and we begin drinking. 6 Beers later, I'm calling Jewish to see where the fuck he's at, because I want to go get drunk at Applebees. Before this, however, I spoke to Conroy, who said that he'll go, so Jewish doesn't want to go so early (it was around 10:30ish or so..Conroy gets off at 12). I say, Whatever, and I go back to drinking.
11:15 PM
I'm obliterated at this point, and I'm exhausted, my body hurts, and I have sunburn, but I'm so trashed that it doesn't matter. I've got nine beers, three orders of 4-Piece Nuggets, and two Cheeseburgers in my stomach. I'm good as gold.
12:15 AM - May 27th 2006.
At the Bar, I'm pretty fucking wasted, and I believe that everyone can tell. I am paranoid. I order two more beers (it's two-fers) and I down those fairly rapidly, I'm even more drunk than before, Conroy and Conroy's Girlfriend show up. I continue drinking because Conroy's girlfriend and Conroy don't eat/drink, they just consume endless amounts of water. This bothers me.
For some reason, I order two more beers, and chicken wings, and french fries. I get Honey Mustard on my shirt, and it pisses me off, but I'm so drunk that I don't remember til the next morning.
8:30 AM May 27th 2006.
I feel like death, is what rings through my mind after eleven beers, McDonalds, Boneless Bufallo wings, and French Fries. My dad wants to go somewhere, Home Depot or something, since apparently in my drunken stupidity I lost the lock to the back shed, which had a house key, and a key to that shed. Luckily as I was drunkenly looking for this key (before I left for AppleBees) Juan Nunez arrived home and gave me the spare key so that I could get into my house later in the night.
We got to National Wholesale Liquidators, and I'm feeling like total ass. The place reeks of Indian, and I know that sounds bad, but it's ridiculously true. I feel the beer shits coming on, make my dad pay for his Miracle Grow and whatever else, and we go to Home Depot in Farmingdale where I feel the Bathroom is sanitary enough for Human usage. I think I forced people out of the bathroom with this, because when I got in there, and began to unleash the most brutal and devastating shit that has ever left my body, people would walk in and quickly leave coughing heavily. I stand proud now.
Inside Home Depot, people with orange aprons ask me if I need help, I keep telling them that I need a key made, they keep point me forward, which is where I keep going, but people keep asking me questions. I hate home depot, yet I love it at the same time. I finally get my key made by a guy who's name I can't remember, and he wasn't happy about the fact that he had to do something. It was either that or I reeked of booze.
We get home, I take some aspirin and drink a soda, my head hurts, but I push on, I must do work - I will not quit. I refill the lawnmower with gasoline, and I mow on for what seems like hours, but was really like an hour and ten minutes, it took that long because the grass was up to my hip. I finish that, weedwhack the shit out of the the stuff that's sticking up. Then we work on emptying the filty, disgusting, green water pool that sits in my former backyard. There's bugs floating inside, and old baseballs, and random shit in there. I still cannot believe my father stuck his hands inside to jimmy the hose so the pump would do it's fucking job. Finally the pool is pumping like hell and the water is leaving the pool more rapidly than it entered it.
4:30 PM.
My Dad tells me I'm finished doing work, but I don't know why, so I keep working, cleaning up the patio and shit, and finally I decide that I am finished. My dad is weeding the garden or pulling Hastas from the garden, this is something I want no part of. So I take a shower, and run to Pete's grab a Turker BL (minus the Tomato) on a hero, and a Roast Beef with everything, and bring them home eat my sandwich, take a shower, and head out to Jewish's house in the rental truck. I go inside, say hello to his crazy family and then we depart, we got to the Sunrise Mall. The Sunrise Mall, which is now the Westfield Sunrise Mall or whatever, still sucks. You can't just throw couches in a mall and expect it to be fantastic. We go to GameStop in there where Jewish works, and talk to the nerds for a minute or two. I grab a soda from the Hagaandas people for 75 cents. They get pissed because I give them a five, and they crumple my 3 dollars up (Fuck you Hagaandas!). Jewish is looking for shorts, because he ripped a hole in the ass of his favorite shorts and we go in Macys, and it's occurred to me that I have never been in this store - save for going to see Eileen, who didn't happen to know I was stalking her.
Then we're at Serious Comics, which is like my favorite fucking place in the world. I can't even begin to explain how much I love this comic book store. I buy a few books Marvel Zombies and Marvel Civil War (Capt. America goes rogue bitches), and I leave on good terms with Chris the Comic guy. Not that I was ever on bad terms.
We hit up Toys R' Us, for no reason, and Jewish, of course, has to check the game deals. So that takes a few minutes, and I put in a call to TMK, who at this point should be awake it's about Six at Night. He answers, we talk and I decide I'm going to head over there, Jewish tags along.
6:30 PM
I phone Marcel before arriving at TMK's to ask him what's going on tonight, because he claimed there was going to be drinking involved. He says something about London Pub and I say, "Call me when you wake up from your Nap." I arrive at TMK's, we talk, we skate around sensitive subjects, we're friends again, sort-of, and we decide we're going to pregame at his house.
7:15 PM
I take Jewish to the Liquor store to buy liquor and he buys a small bottle of Jim Beam Whiskey and Sweet and Sour mix, I'm not sure what he's planning to do with these objects. I drop him off, and I go to the Farmingdale House to take a shit, and down a few beers before getting scooped by TMK to pregame at his house. He gets to my house, we scoop up an 18 pack and we head to Jewish's house, scoop him up, and get to TMK's house at 8:15.
At 8:45 Marcel calls me to tell me we're taking the something-something train to New York City, I tell him that I don't plan on going to the city, he tells me that he'll call if anything changes. He never calls back.
9:30 PM
In about an hour and a half, TMK and I have drank an 18 pack by playing Beer Pong, I don't believe I won a game during our contests, but I was fucking wasted. We decide we need a ride to the bar, because stupidly we're going to London Pub because they have beer pong.
10:15 PM
There's no ride to be had, we called everyone from Theresa to Conroy's Girlfriend and no one would give us a ride. So, Matthies calls a cab and it comes and takes us to the bar, we pay the guy, it's like 26 bucks or so. Jewish is so trashed off his his whiskey sours, we're suprised he's still awake in the car. He was very adament about not taking a cab anywhere, because he doesn't have any money (although, his little card thing from GameStop has over two-grand because he spends no money...you JEW bastard.) and we get to the London Pub.
10:30 PM
I'm immediately dissapointed in Jewish because he makes me walk him to 7-11 to get Money. I buy Hot Dogs and make Jewish buy two Bud Light Tall boys. I drink most of mine, and Jewish barely takes three sips, before throwing it over a fence at Dairy Barn. I'm immediately dissapointed again, inside London Pub because this place sucks a big fat dick. It's the worst dive bar I have ever seen. I get a beer, down it, and get another one. I play TMK in darts, only to find out that I suck at darts. Jewish is so drunk that when he plays darts against TMK he can barely stand, and keep's licking his fingers for some reason.
12:30 AM May 28th 2006. Sundays
These morons who are friend's with the bar people want to play us in Beer Pong, since they now set it up. These guys aren't trashed, but I am definitely feeling pretty wasted, and can barely keep my head up. We beat them in beer pong, twice. Conroy and His Girlfriend show up, I make Conroy hold my glasses. Jewish stabs Conroy's Girlfriend in the arm with a steak knife trying to ...cut off a birth mark of some kind, Conroy says he feels like ass so he wants to leave, I get my sunglasses back and they leave, taking Jewish with them. Immediately I know we're screwed to all hell. I keep drinking.
1:30 AM
Two new guys come to the beer pong table, as we're just drinking ourselves stupid, with two pitchers..I don't know why, but they insist that we use this entire pitcher to fill up our cups. I think this is a bad idea, but go forth. After we lose this game, we realize the chick that is with them is Tara Ackerman, whom I despise for no good reason, she doesn't recognize me (Thank you, Good Lord,) and I watch as many people leave the bar, leaving only me and TMK. I decide that I have to take a shit, rather than hold it and wait for a ride.
3:30 AM
I come outside feeling lighter, and sit on the bench next to TMK, who says that we have no ride. I knew this was going to happen, so I call everyone in my phone trying to acquire a ride. I call Marcel, whom is in the city still. He apologizes because the city sucks, and he would've rather stayed on Long Island. Karma bit Marcel on the ass, because he had to work at 8 that morning and missed his train and couldn't get the next one until 5:15 am. I talk to Conroy who claims that he's dying, I don't believe him. He's a pussy. I talk to random people, TMK calls Jessica, and Martin Sheen (Har-Har), and they both say "No." TMK then walks over to the bagel shop, sits down on a bench and proceeds to stick his finger down his throat, which results in a massive river of vomit.
I call a taxi, and tell them that I only have 20 bucks, and live in Farmingdale and we need a ride, terribly bad. The taxi guy says he'll drop us off at Fallwood Parkway, I say thank you. The Taxi shows up, I shove TMK in the cab and climb in. The driver says they have to pick up two more. The dude comes in the back, and TMK passes out. I try not to talk to him, because he looks like a loser. The Girl isn't any better, and she's not hot, and she's spewing this random garbage from her mouth and it makes me want to punch her in the mouth.
They get dropped off the taxi guy says something and I Ignore him. We get dropped off at Fallwood, the Taxi driver yells at TMK to get out of the cab, I pull him out and the drive peels out. Before this Billy's dad had been calling a lot - it was kind of funny actually - because his dad came and got him not even halfway to his house from fallwood. I call Marcel again, and his train had still not arrived, I leave a mean message for Jewish and then I go inside and pass out on a blow up mattress in a very air-conditioned house.
8:30 AM
I wake up at 8:30AM, because my Dad is leaving, I'm staying at Jewish's house for a few days longer, because I want to spend some time on the Island so my dad is driving back. I help him load up a little. I say goodbye, and he leaves, I take another shit, and pass out. Jewish calls me at 2pm and asks me where the hell I am, I tell him I'm sleeping. He says we were suppose to do garage sales, and I say 'My Bad' and he says he'll come by to get me and my shit, and we'll go to GameStop's looking for DVDs.
2:30 PM.
Jewish gets to my house, and I've taken a shower, done my deal and packed up most of my shit. Then this lady comes up asking if she can look at the house (since it's for sale). I tell her that she has to go to the Realty, but I let her look anyway. Then her husband comes in, and he looks around, and he talks about the price and basically badmouths the house. Instead of beating the holy hell out of him, I pretty much ignore him, because he's a cockface moron. We leave, and I'm tired, hung over, and I feel like total ass.
We travel to Random GameStops, and I grab a copy of The L Word Season 2 for 25 bucks, and a copy of Life as We Know it for 16.99. I score.
We get to Jewish's house later that night and Jewish's mother makes awesome hamburgers and these Sausages, Kelbasa I believe. And I eat, and eat. Then we go to his room play some Table Tennis on X-Box 360, I make some calls, see what the shit is going on. TMK calls me and says he wants to play Poker at his house. I tell him I'm broke, and he suggests we not play for money. I have to mention that Jewish sucks the fun out of everything. He just doesn't play the whole competitive thing well and ruins stuff that's not really a sport. Poker, Mini-Golf, Bowling. These things will never be the same.
Jewish wins at Poker, and we decide that we want to go to White Castle. I've become obsessed with yelling "YOU WILL FACE JUSTICE" which is a popular Jack Bauer saying from 24. I've also become obsessed with Nick Lachey's most recent song "What's Left of Me." Therefore I continuously request this song, and scream this phrase at anyone I possibly can.
1:30AM May 29th 2006.
White Castle is Awesome.
12:30 PM May 29th 2006.
It's Memorial Day, and we go somewhere, I think looking for Garage sales or something, but there's crap everywhere, and it sucks. We go to Bobs, where Jewish is like a woman picking out shorts. I continue requesting Nick Lachey, and screaming You Will Face Justice at everyone (and getting really good at Keifer-voice). We go to Wendy's we eat, and then we go to Target with Jewish's Mom, Aunt, and Little Brother (whom is the Devil's child). He wants a bicycle, he wants a bicycle, he wants a bicycle....SHUT UP! I don't get anything at Target, but we got BJ's where I buy a lot of beer, 36 beers for 20.99 to be exact. I confer with TMK over this situation, and he says that he'll drink a lot. I already, at this point, decided I was going to force Conroy to drink a lot. I call Theresa and invite her over to Jewish's house for the little shindig, whereas we'll be playing Beer Pong and drinking til we can't drink anymore.
8:30 PM.
Jewish had purchased a mixture of Mike's liquors, because he's a little girl and can't drink beer. (" I don't like the taste of beer.." Fag.) Theresa actually plays beer pong on Billy's side after Jewish had enough of pouring his Mike's Hard crap into cups, Theresa man's up and drinks beer, it's cool. Team Demroy get's their respective asses handed to them ...forever. I don't think we won a single game. I know that I defeated TMK in the first game of Six Cup, so that we could drink the beer warm if the cooler didn't cool.
2:30 AM. Tuesday Morning May 30th.
The night finally ends, and I proceed to play Table Tennis and talk online, Jewish passes out but I stay up until whenever, five am, or so talking and watching television.
01:15 PM Tuesday.
The day before we were offered tickets to a Mets Braves game, but we were surprised in knowing that they were actually playing the Arizona Diamondbacks, if this information was known before saying yes, and if Jewish knew anything, we would've been at my house on Tuesday morning.
7:30 PM.
The game is awful, we sit next to these two morons who keep saying fuck a lot, which doesn't bother me, but it bothers the father of the kid sitting diagnally from them. I keep yelling that the Mets will face Justice, but they still suck. They lose by a lot, and Miguel Batista pitches a Complete Game, and Lastings Milledge sucks.
9:30-10PM
Jewish and myself arrive at a 711 in North Massapequa, we buy Hot Dogs, and eat them in his car, and then return to his home, I play 2K6 baseball against some moron from Oregon, and he beats my ass. I then switch over to Table Tennis and start winning again.
3:30 AM Wednesday May 31st.
Jewish decides to crash, and I stay up watching back episodes of this season of the Sopranos and talking to people online. Finally around 6AM I pass out.
11:30 AM
It's way to early, and my brain hurts, but it's time to leave Long Island to return home to Chambersburg PA, which sucks, I know, but I missed my bed and my television and my computer.
2:30 PM
After weird trips to Jersey for EB Games, and Gamestops, we arrive at probably the best McDonalds...ever. It was clean, the food was awesome, I was thoroughly pleased.
We get gas at some weird place, (I learn that you're not allowed to pump your own gas in New Jersey) and continue to look for GameStops, but Jewish's adventurous streak has ended and he doesn't want to go anywhere or looking for anything, so I pass out and wake up an hour later, sneezing my balls off because of the airconditioner in Jewish's car.
6:30PM
The Prodigal son returns home, a short trip to Wal-Mart to greet my brother happens, and then I return home, see my Pops and my grandma, my mother is working, and we hang out downstairs for a while, and then we eat Pot Roast, my father is an awesome cool. There's some interesting gaps in time here, I can't remember what we did, Jewish is a nerd, and watched MythBusters for a while, I talked on the computer, got reaquainted with my computer, and then we started drinking Whiskey Sours.
11:15 PM
Halfway into Just Friends my brother arrives, and begins watching (he's already seen it.) It might be the liquor but that movie was awesome, awesome.
2:00 AM. Thursday June 1st
We get a little buzzed, finally I get up, take a shower, and hit the sack, because I'm fucking exhausted, my brother hits the sack a little while after that, and Jewish passed out on an air mattress.
9AM
I feel like death, my brain is like mush, and my Pops keeps calling me to go Strawberry picking. Yay. Myself, Jewish, and my Pops go and pick strawberries. I don't like strawberries as much as the normal person. I mean, I like them, but I'm not...really into picking my own fruit.
11:AM
We get home, and my brother gets up and asks if I want to go to the Hagerstown Suns game. I oblige...saying sure, but that means I have to go to work early...at 2, which means, I had to get ready right there.
2:17 PM
I arrive at work, and I sign in, and fax over some information to my boss, so that I get paid for whatever I worked. I hate my job. I work at fucking Sears.
4:30 PM
I'm really hungry, I haven't eaten all day, and there's a McDonalds outside the mall. Once again, I am really hungry. I eat two double cheese burgers, medium fries and a drink, and then I split, decide that I don't want to work anymore and go home, but I don't tell anyone, so I still get paid for four hours of nothingness.
6:35 PM
We arrive at the Hagerstown Suns game, and we meet some of the players, get some autographs, and I just immediately go and get drunk. I find the beer, and buy four, because they're a dollar, and go back to the seat and start drinking like it's my job. Then...it starts fucking raining. They didn't even complete the damn inning. I'm soaken wet, drunk, and continuing to drink. I'm don't let things like weather stop me from drinking. The game gets called, we get Mitch Einerston's (sp?) autograph. Drunkenly I sign onto Ebay.com and buy an autographed card for 4 dollars.
7:55 PM.
In the car ride home, I get a call from my boss, and he calmly explains that they're going to let me go from my job. I'm drunk.
Here's the thing with this: The store that I work in is in the Chambersburg, PA Mall, it sucks, and it's...90 percent of the time dead. I never imagined it would be this hard to give something away free to redneck morons, but it's hard when there's no one around.
He tells me that I should transfer to Lawn and Garden, because I told him previously that I was thinking about doing this, it's less money, but at least I'll get paid. I tell him, I'll talk to them ..whenever. I think this is really the reason behind me getting fired, this little incident where I let this slip. Fuck him, I don't care.
At home I tell my parents, and surprisingly they're not upset, my dad's actually happy, but wants me to get a real job.
My brother and Jewish drink, I sit at the computer for a while talking to people, and yelling at others, I take a shower and go to bed.
11AM Friday June 2nd
Jewish departs, I send him off, and I pass out before I have to go to work. I wake up, and decide to fuck work, I don't want to go. I just got 'fired' even though I didn't really get fired yet. I go garage sale(ing) with my dad and grandmother and buy this Shaq card for three bucks, and it's worth 25. I come home, watch When a Stranger Calls, fast foward through the non-speaking parts til the last 16 minutes when the real shit happens, bring it back, and rent London with Jessica Biel.
I'm going to go into a basis of what actually happened while I was on Long Island.
Friday May 26th 2006 - 6:30 PM.
Me and my father arrived on Long Island late friday evening to find the grass in front of my house about four feet tall, because my realitor (Larry Theodore is a fuckface asshole) didn't tell anyone in my house (in Pennsylvania, it's a short phone call away) that the front yard made it look like a half-way house for stoners and drunks. So, upon arrival we immediately decided to start mowing and stop talking. One front lawn done and half a backyard done later, and I was on my way to McDonalds to pick up food.
8:30 PM.
McDonalds on PA suck, but they're quicker than Long Island, but Long Island McDonalds have more stuff like (4-Piece Nuggets for a Dollar). In McDonalds I look like a scruffy asshole, dirty, and sweaty, and pissed the fuck off at how long of a wait this is. Finally I get my food, and storm out of McDonalds.
9:30 PM.
I arrive back to the F'Dale House, and I chow down, because I hadn't eaten all day aside from some potato chips (that were completed on Tuesday May 30th). My Dad was weeding the front garden, which is something that is not my forte, so I eat and eat until my food is gone. My Dad comes inside eats, and he takes a seat in one the chairs in the empty house, and I take the other, and we begin drinking. 6 Beers later, I'm calling Jewish to see where the fuck he's at, because I want to go get drunk at Applebees. Before this, however, I spoke to Conroy, who said that he'll go, so Jewish doesn't want to go so early (it was around 10:30ish or so..Conroy gets off at 12). I say, Whatever, and I go back to drinking.
11:15 PM
I'm obliterated at this point, and I'm exhausted, my body hurts, and I have sunburn, but I'm so trashed that it doesn't matter. I've got nine beers, three orders of 4-Piece Nuggets, and two Cheeseburgers in my stomach. I'm good as gold.
12:15 AM - May 27th 2006.
At the Bar, I'm pretty fucking wasted, and I believe that everyone can tell. I am paranoid. I order two more beers (it's two-fers) and I down those fairly rapidly, I'm even more drunk than before, Conroy and Conroy's Girlfriend show up. I continue drinking because Conroy's girlfriend and Conroy don't eat/drink, they just consume endless amounts of water. This bothers me.
For some reason, I order two more beers, and chicken wings, and french fries. I get Honey Mustard on my shirt, and it pisses me off, but I'm so drunk that I don't remember til the next morning.
8:30 AM May 27th 2006.
I feel like death, is what rings through my mind after eleven beers, McDonalds, Boneless Bufallo wings, and French Fries. My dad wants to go somewhere, Home Depot or something, since apparently in my drunken stupidity I lost the lock to the back shed, which had a house key, and a key to that shed. Luckily as I was drunkenly looking for this key (before I left for AppleBees) Juan Nunez arrived home and gave me the spare key so that I could get into my house later in the night.
We got to National Wholesale Liquidators, and I'm feeling like total ass. The place reeks of Indian, and I know that sounds bad, but it's ridiculously true. I feel the beer shits coming on, make my dad pay for his Miracle Grow and whatever else, and we go to Home Depot in Farmingdale where I feel the Bathroom is sanitary enough for Human usage. I think I forced people out of the bathroom with this, because when I got in there, and began to unleash the most brutal and devastating shit that has ever left my body, people would walk in and quickly leave coughing heavily. I stand proud now.
Inside Home Depot, people with orange aprons ask me if I need help, I keep telling them that I need a key made, they keep point me forward, which is where I keep going, but people keep asking me questions. I hate home depot, yet I love it at the same time. I finally get my key made by a guy who's name I can't remember, and he wasn't happy about the fact that he had to do something. It was either that or I reeked of booze.
We get home, I take some aspirin and drink a soda, my head hurts, but I push on, I must do work - I will not quit. I refill the lawnmower with gasoline, and I mow on for what seems like hours, but was really like an hour and ten minutes, it took that long because the grass was up to my hip. I finish that, weedwhack the shit out of the the stuff that's sticking up. Then we work on emptying the filty, disgusting, green water pool that sits in my former backyard. There's bugs floating inside, and old baseballs, and random shit in there. I still cannot believe my father stuck his hands inside to jimmy the hose so the pump would do it's fucking job. Finally the pool is pumping like hell and the water is leaving the pool more rapidly than it entered it.
4:30 PM.
My Dad tells me I'm finished doing work, but I don't know why, so I keep working, cleaning up the patio and shit, and finally I decide that I am finished. My dad is weeding the garden or pulling Hastas from the garden, this is something I want no part of. So I take a shower, and run to Pete's grab a Turker BL (minus the Tomato) on a hero, and a Roast Beef with everything, and bring them home eat my sandwich, take a shower, and head out to Jewish's house in the rental truck. I go inside, say hello to his crazy family and then we depart, we got to the Sunrise Mall. The Sunrise Mall, which is now the Westfield Sunrise Mall or whatever, still sucks. You can't just throw couches in a mall and expect it to be fantastic. We go to GameStop in there where Jewish works, and talk to the nerds for a minute or two. I grab a soda from the Hagaandas people for 75 cents. They get pissed because I give them a five, and they crumple my 3 dollars up (Fuck you Hagaandas!). Jewish is looking for shorts, because he ripped a hole in the ass of his favorite shorts and we go in Macys, and it's occurred to me that I have never been in this store - save for going to see Eileen, who didn't happen to know I was stalking her.
Then we're at Serious Comics, which is like my favorite fucking place in the world. I can't even begin to explain how much I love this comic book store. I buy a few books Marvel Zombies and Marvel Civil War (Capt. America goes rogue bitches), and I leave on good terms with Chris the Comic guy. Not that I was ever on bad terms.
We hit up Toys R' Us, for no reason, and Jewish, of course, has to check the game deals. So that takes a few minutes, and I put in a call to TMK, who at this point should be awake it's about Six at Night. He answers, we talk and I decide I'm going to head over there, Jewish tags along.
6:30 PM
I phone Marcel before arriving at TMK's to ask him what's going on tonight, because he claimed there was going to be drinking involved. He says something about London Pub and I say, "Call me when you wake up from your Nap." I arrive at TMK's, we talk, we skate around sensitive subjects, we're friends again, sort-of, and we decide we're going to pregame at his house.
7:15 PM
I take Jewish to the Liquor store to buy liquor and he buys a small bottle of Jim Beam Whiskey and Sweet and Sour mix, I'm not sure what he's planning to do with these objects. I drop him off, and I go to the Farmingdale House to take a shit, and down a few beers before getting scooped by TMK to pregame at his house. He gets to my house, we scoop up an 18 pack and we head to Jewish's house, scoop him up, and get to TMK's house at 8:15.
At 8:45 Marcel calls me to tell me we're taking the something-something train to New York City, I tell him that I don't plan on going to the city, he tells me that he'll call if anything changes. He never calls back.
9:30 PM
In about an hour and a half, TMK and I have drank an 18 pack by playing Beer Pong, I don't believe I won a game during our contests, but I was fucking wasted. We decide we need a ride to the bar, because stupidly we're going to London Pub because they have beer pong.
10:15 PM
There's no ride to be had, we called everyone from Theresa to Conroy's Girlfriend and no one would give us a ride. So, Matthies calls a cab and it comes and takes us to the bar, we pay the guy, it's like 26 bucks or so. Jewish is so trashed off his his whiskey sours, we're suprised he's still awake in the car. He was very adament about not taking a cab anywhere, because he doesn't have any money (although, his little card thing from GameStop has over two-grand because he spends no money...you JEW bastard.) and we get to the London Pub.
10:30 PM
I'm immediately dissapointed in Jewish because he makes me walk him to 7-11 to get Money. I buy Hot Dogs and make Jewish buy two Bud Light Tall boys. I drink most of mine, and Jewish barely takes three sips, before throwing it over a fence at Dairy Barn. I'm immediately dissapointed again, inside London Pub because this place sucks a big fat dick. It's the worst dive bar I have ever seen. I get a beer, down it, and get another one. I play TMK in darts, only to find out that I suck at darts. Jewish is so drunk that when he plays darts against TMK he can barely stand, and keep's licking his fingers for some reason.
12:30 AM May 28th 2006. Sundays
These morons who are friend's with the bar people want to play us in Beer Pong, since they now set it up. These guys aren't trashed, but I am definitely feeling pretty wasted, and can barely keep my head up. We beat them in beer pong, twice. Conroy and His Girlfriend show up, I make Conroy hold my glasses. Jewish stabs Conroy's Girlfriend in the arm with a steak knife trying to ...cut off a birth mark of some kind, Conroy says he feels like ass so he wants to leave, I get my sunglasses back and they leave, taking Jewish with them. Immediately I know we're screwed to all hell. I keep drinking.
1:30 AM
Two new guys come to the beer pong table, as we're just drinking ourselves stupid, with two pitchers..I don't know why, but they insist that we use this entire pitcher to fill up our cups. I think this is a bad idea, but go forth. After we lose this game, we realize the chick that is with them is Tara Ackerman, whom I despise for no good reason, she doesn't recognize me (Thank you, Good Lord,) and I watch as many people leave the bar, leaving only me and TMK. I decide that I have to take a shit, rather than hold it and wait for a ride.
3:30 AM
I come outside feeling lighter, and sit on the bench next to TMK, who says that we have no ride. I knew this was going to happen, so I call everyone in my phone trying to acquire a ride. I call Marcel, whom is in the city still. He apologizes because the city sucks, and he would've rather stayed on Long Island. Karma bit Marcel on the ass, because he had to work at 8 that morning and missed his train and couldn't get the next one until 5:15 am. I talk to Conroy who claims that he's dying, I don't believe him. He's a pussy. I talk to random people, TMK calls Jessica, and Martin Sheen (Har-Har), and they both say "No." TMK then walks over to the bagel shop, sits down on a bench and proceeds to stick his finger down his throat, which results in a massive river of vomit.
I call a taxi, and tell them that I only have 20 bucks, and live in Farmingdale and we need a ride, terribly bad. The taxi guy says he'll drop us off at Fallwood Parkway, I say thank you. The Taxi shows up, I shove TMK in the cab and climb in. The driver says they have to pick up two more. The dude comes in the back, and TMK passes out. I try not to talk to him, because he looks like a loser. The Girl isn't any better, and she's not hot, and she's spewing this random garbage from her mouth and it makes me want to punch her in the mouth.
They get dropped off the taxi guy says something and I Ignore him. We get dropped off at Fallwood, the Taxi driver yells at TMK to get out of the cab, I pull him out and the drive peels out. Before this Billy's dad had been calling a lot - it was kind of funny actually - because his dad came and got him not even halfway to his house from fallwood. I call Marcel again, and his train had still not arrived, I leave a mean message for Jewish and then I go inside and pass out on a blow up mattress in a very air-conditioned house.
8:30 AM
I wake up at 8:30AM, because my Dad is leaving, I'm staying at Jewish's house for a few days longer, because I want to spend some time on the Island so my dad is driving back. I help him load up a little. I say goodbye, and he leaves, I take another shit, and pass out. Jewish calls me at 2pm and asks me where the hell I am, I tell him I'm sleeping. He says we were suppose to do garage sales, and I say 'My Bad' and he says he'll come by to get me and my shit, and we'll go to GameStop's looking for DVDs.
2:30 PM.
Jewish gets to my house, and I've taken a shower, done my deal and packed up most of my shit. Then this lady comes up asking if she can look at the house (since it's for sale). I tell her that she has to go to the Realty, but I let her look anyway. Then her husband comes in, and he looks around, and he talks about the price and basically badmouths the house. Instead of beating the holy hell out of him, I pretty much ignore him, because he's a cockface moron. We leave, and I'm tired, hung over, and I feel like total ass.
We travel to Random GameStops, and I grab a copy of The L Word Season 2 for 25 bucks, and a copy of Life as We Know it for 16.99. I score.
We get to Jewish's house later that night and Jewish's mother makes awesome hamburgers and these Sausages, Kelbasa I believe. And I eat, and eat. Then we go to his room play some Table Tennis on X-Box 360, I make some calls, see what the shit is going on. TMK calls me and says he wants to play Poker at his house. I tell him I'm broke, and he suggests we not play for money. I have to mention that Jewish sucks the fun out of everything. He just doesn't play the whole competitive thing well and ruins stuff that's not really a sport. Poker, Mini-Golf, Bowling. These things will never be the same.
Jewish wins at Poker, and we decide that we want to go to White Castle. I've become obsessed with yelling "YOU WILL FACE JUSTICE" which is a popular Jack Bauer saying from 24. I've also become obsessed with Nick Lachey's most recent song "What's Left of Me." Therefore I continuously request this song, and scream this phrase at anyone I possibly can.
1:30AM May 29th 2006.
White Castle is Awesome.
12:30 PM May 29th 2006.
It's Memorial Day, and we go somewhere, I think looking for Garage sales or something, but there's crap everywhere, and it sucks. We go to Bobs, where Jewish is like a woman picking out shorts. I continue requesting Nick Lachey, and screaming You Will Face Justice at everyone (and getting really good at Keifer-voice). We go to Wendy's we eat, and then we go to Target with Jewish's Mom, Aunt, and Little Brother (whom is the Devil's child). He wants a bicycle, he wants a bicycle, he wants a bicycle....SHUT UP! I don't get anything at Target, but we got BJ's where I buy a lot of beer, 36 beers for 20.99 to be exact. I confer with TMK over this situation, and he says that he'll drink a lot. I already, at this point, decided I was going to force Conroy to drink a lot. I call Theresa and invite her over to Jewish's house for the little shindig, whereas we'll be playing Beer Pong and drinking til we can't drink anymore.
8:30 PM.
Jewish had purchased a mixture of Mike's liquors, because he's a little girl and can't drink beer. (" I don't like the taste of beer.." Fag.) Theresa actually plays beer pong on Billy's side after Jewish had enough of pouring his Mike's Hard crap into cups, Theresa man's up and drinks beer, it's cool. Team Demroy get's their respective asses handed to them ...forever. I don't think we won a single game. I know that I defeated TMK in the first game of Six Cup, so that we could drink the beer warm if the cooler didn't cool.
2:30 AM. Tuesday Morning May 30th.
The night finally ends, and I proceed to play Table Tennis and talk online, Jewish passes out but I stay up until whenever, five am, or so talking and watching television.
01:15 PM Tuesday.
The day before we were offered tickets to a Mets Braves game, but we were surprised in knowing that they were actually playing the Arizona Diamondbacks, if this information was known before saying yes, and if Jewish knew anything, we would've been at my house on Tuesday morning.
7:30 PM.
The game is awful, we sit next to these two morons who keep saying fuck a lot, which doesn't bother me, but it bothers the father of the kid sitting diagnally from them. I keep yelling that the Mets will face Justice, but they still suck. They lose by a lot, and Miguel Batista pitches a Complete Game, and Lastings Milledge sucks.
9:30-10PM
Jewish and myself arrive at a 711 in North Massapequa, we buy Hot Dogs, and eat them in his car, and then return to his home, I play 2K6 baseball against some moron from Oregon, and he beats my ass. I then switch over to Table Tennis and start winning again.
3:30 AM Wednesday May 31st.
Jewish decides to crash, and I stay up watching back episodes of this season of the Sopranos and talking to people online. Finally around 6AM I pass out.
11:30 AM
It's way to early, and my brain hurts, but it's time to leave Long Island to return home to Chambersburg PA, which sucks, I know, but I missed my bed and my television and my computer.
2:30 PM
After weird trips to Jersey for EB Games, and Gamestops, we arrive at probably the best McDonalds...ever. It was clean, the food was awesome, I was thoroughly pleased.
We get gas at some weird place, (I learn that you're not allowed to pump your own gas in New Jersey) and continue to look for GameStops, but Jewish's adventurous streak has ended and he doesn't want to go anywhere or looking for anything, so I pass out and wake up an hour later, sneezing my balls off because of the airconditioner in Jewish's car.
6:30PM
The Prodigal son returns home, a short trip to Wal-Mart to greet my brother happens, and then I return home, see my Pops and my grandma, my mother is working, and we hang out downstairs for a while, and then we eat Pot Roast, my father is an awesome cool. There's some interesting gaps in time here, I can't remember what we did, Jewish is a nerd, and watched MythBusters for a while, I talked on the computer, got reaquainted with my computer, and then we started drinking Whiskey Sours.
11:15 PM
Halfway into Just Friends my brother arrives, and begins watching (he's already seen it.) It might be the liquor but that movie was awesome, awesome.
2:00 AM. Thursday June 1st
We get a little buzzed, finally I get up, take a shower, and hit the sack, because I'm fucking exhausted, my brother hits the sack a little while after that, and Jewish passed out on an air mattress.
9AM
I feel like death, my brain is like mush, and my Pops keeps calling me to go Strawberry picking. Yay. Myself, Jewish, and my Pops go and pick strawberries. I don't like strawberries as much as the normal person. I mean, I like them, but I'm not...really into picking my own fruit.
11:AM
We get home, and my brother gets up and asks if I want to go to the Hagerstown Suns game. I oblige...saying sure, but that means I have to go to work early...at 2, which means, I had to get ready right there.
2:17 PM
I arrive at work, and I sign in, and fax over some information to my boss, so that I get paid for whatever I worked. I hate my job. I work at fucking Sears.
4:30 PM
I'm really hungry, I haven't eaten all day, and there's a McDonalds outside the mall. Once again, I am really hungry. I eat two double cheese burgers, medium fries and a drink, and then I split, decide that I don't want to work anymore and go home, but I don't tell anyone, so I still get paid for four hours of nothingness.
6:35 PM
We arrive at the Hagerstown Suns game, and we meet some of the players, get some autographs, and I just immediately go and get drunk. I find the beer, and buy four, because they're a dollar, and go back to the seat and start drinking like it's my job. Then...it starts fucking raining. They didn't even complete the damn inning. I'm soaken wet, drunk, and continuing to drink. I'm don't let things like weather stop me from drinking. The game gets called, we get Mitch Einerston's (sp?) autograph. Drunkenly I sign onto Ebay.com and buy an autographed card for 4 dollars.
7:55 PM.
In the car ride home, I get a call from my boss, and he calmly explains that they're going to let me go from my job. I'm drunk.
Here's the thing with this: The store that I work in is in the Chambersburg, PA Mall, it sucks, and it's...90 percent of the time dead. I never imagined it would be this hard to give something away free to redneck morons, but it's hard when there's no one around.
He tells me that I should transfer to Lawn and Garden, because I told him previously that I was thinking about doing this, it's less money, but at least I'll get paid. I tell him, I'll talk to them ..whenever. I think this is really the reason behind me getting fired, this little incident where I let this slip. Fuck him, I don't care.
At home I tell my parents, and surprisingly they're not upset, my dad's actually happy, but wants me to get a real job.
My brother and Jewish drink, I sit at the computer for a while talking to people, and yelling at others, I take a shower and go to bed.
11AM Friday June 2nd
Jewish departs, I send him off, and I pass out before I have to go to work. I wake up, and decide to fuck work, I don't want to go. I just got 'fired' even though I didn't really get fired yet. I go garage sale(ing) with my dad and grandmother and buy this Shaq card for three bucks, and it's worth 25. I come home, watch When a Stranger Calls, fast foward through the non-speaking parts til the last 16 minutes when the real shit happens, bring it back, and rent London with Jessica Biel.
posted by JD at 11:49 AM
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